Study finds that the ‘big nose, big hose’ theory is true
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Rock News

Study finds that the ‘big nose, big hose’ theory is true

One of the 'researcher's' jobs was to stretch a dead man's penis.

Good news for all the big-nosed blokes out there: a new study has found that the bigger one’s schnozzer is, the bigger their package is. 

One hundred and twenty-six male corpses, aged between 30 - 50 years old, were looked at a few days after they died so that no rotting away would get in the way of a good ol’ penis check. 

Researchers measured the whole body including the overall weight and height, the size of the nose, the weight of the balls, and the length and girth of the flaccid penis. To simulate an erection, one lucky scientist stretched out the body’s member and measured that. Stretching penises, for science. 

The study, published in ‘Basic and Clinical Andrology', found that there was a big correlation between the size of the nose and the stretched penis length i.e a big nose = a big hose.

Interestingly, the snout size had little relationship to the size of the flaccid penis. This is because “the elasticity of a small, flaccid penis may be greater than that of a large, flaccid penis,” the study states. 

If you’re interested, there was no correlation between the weight of your nuts and nose size.

They also conclude that the size of one’s member is simply up to fate and that the whole study is relatively pointless on its own, but could be useful once more research is done. 

“The fact that nose size is related to [stretched penis length] indicates that penile length may not be determined by age, height or body weight but has already been determined before birth.”

“Although our results are useless for forensic purposes, understanding the growing process of the penis or facial features may be very important for extrapolating fetal androgen levels and following male genital functions.”

That means ol’ ‘stretcher of penises’ did all that for nothing. I hope they at least shouted them some beersies afterwards.