Oh me oh my, I think we’ve just found Jay and Dunc’s favourite yarn of the year so far.
This yarn was sent in by listener Paul Day, and is a glorious tale of why you should always check that your lawnmower is unplugged when you’re also holding a 6.7 gigavolt fence-wire.
The poor bloke, whose identity is unknown, ended up covered in his own shit, piss and vomit when he woke up from his ‘electrically induced sleep.’
Have a watch of Jay and Dunc losing their shit below.
Aaaand here’s the yarn in written form:
“We had the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire suburb.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
I got the biggest cattle charger the local farm supply place had, it was made for 26 kms of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo 6hp mower.. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.
I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 6.7 gigavolt fence-wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a truck battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. I was literally at one with the engine.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and ejaculate at the same time. Boy oh boy, I beg to differ.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go because my muscles are contracting around it.
Covered in my own shit, piss and with my balls on my chest I think. So here I am in the middle of January, 38 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging for a lightning strike from the sky and God to kill me.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of petrol.
It was later on in the day and I was sunburned also.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realised a few things:
Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
Poop, pee and vomit when all mixed together, does not smell as bad a you might think.
My left eye will not open.
My right eye will not close.
The lawnmower runs like a demon now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something because it was better than new after that.
My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long each
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the Fence I can clearly visualise what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow"
What. A. Yarn.
This story reeks of the Curry Contest competition yarn that had Jay and Dunc on the floor - watch that here.