You may know of whaat Jay & Dunc refer to as "The Crook Book" - a novelty joke book released way back in the early 2000s, when humour was a lot less PC and very loose (thus, the name).
It was Show Boss Tegs turn to read from the Crook Book - plus it sounds a lot less bad coming out of her mouth - and today, she was reading a chapter titled "Saying It Nicely".
Watch above as we rattle through some goodies, with the best one by far being:
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Here's the rest so you can whip 'em out next time you're at work (or at the pub) and sound like a wise MFer.
It's always darkest before dawn. So, if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $5, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Always try to make other people happy, even if you have to leave them alone to do it.
